It's been exactly one year tonight since my personal life fell apart. Today it has hit hard, realizing that a year has slipped by. There has been beautiful moments filled with caring wonderful people, and moments when I really had to fight to go on. There are moments I feel so alone, trapped in a living nightmare.(these are fewer, but still happen, I still have moments--like today--when it hurts like hell).
Those first few weeks were some of the darkest times in my life. I spent about an hour a day away from home, where the children wouldn't see me, just sobbing. I drove to a local park, stared at the river and let the steering wheel support me as my heart shattered into a thousand little pieces.
It has really profoundly affected me in ways I never thought possible. Of course I am stronger than I ever realized. My eyes were opened to the worst of human behavior and the best. I've met angels disguised as mere mortals. Remember the anonymous poem, "Footprints in the sand", I have a much deeper understanding and appreciation now then ever before.
I've kept my head up. I've cried oceans of tears that no human should ever have to. There is something to be said for letting walls down and trusting people, but at the same time, that can be a devastating experience. When that trust is broken and those closest to you betray you, there is no pain that wounds the heart more. I realize now how naive I was.
I also realize now that the ex by words and actions holds no respect for me, none at all. Where I am now, I know that this really doesn't matter to me or affect me, unless I let it, and I don't. I have my self-respect, my integrity, and my honor. I am happy with the choices I have since made. My relationship with three of four of my children has grown deeper and stronger. My oldest is beyond my control, and my heart hurts, but I know someday that the relationship will be repaired.
I've gone back to school. I've met loads of interesting people. Even some of you on here, that I deeply admire and respect. My thoughts have really changed. I've learned more in one short year than I have in a decade. What does that say? I think...I should say I believe that something of such a great magnitude happening can be defining. It can bring out the best or worst in a person. Where am I on that scale? I would feel biased in saying that it has brought out the best in me, so I would rather have an impartial judge make that call. As always I remain humble. :) Well there it is. All the hurt, the pain, the ugliness, and the beauty. Most of all the beauty! I try to keep that in the forefront of my thoughts. There is so much beauty in this world! Don't even blink or you might miss it.
Friday, March 12, 2010
One Year Later - Day Of Devastation To Present
It's been exactly one year tonight since my personal life fell apart. Today it has hit hard, realizing that a year has slipped by. There has been beautiful moments filled with caring wonderful people, and moments when I really had to fight to go on. There are moments I feel so alone, trapped in a living nightmare.(these are fewer, but still happen, I still have moments--like today--when it hurts like hell).
Those first few weeks were some of the darkest times in my life. I spent about an hour a day away from home, where the children wouldn't see me, just sobbing. I drove to a local park, stared at the river and let the steering wheel support me as my heart shattered into a thousand little pieces.
It has really profoundly affected me in ways I never thought possible. Of course I am stronger than I ever realized. My eyes were opened to the worst of human behavior and the best. I've met angels disguised as mere mortals. Remember the anonymous poem, "Footprints in the sand", I have a much deeper understanding and appreciation now then ever before.
I've kept my head up. I've cried oceans of tears that no human should ever have to. There is something to be said for letting walls down and trusting people, but at the same time, that can be a devastating experience. When that trust is broken and those closest to you betray you, there is no pain that wounds the heart more. I realize now how naive I was.
I also realize now that the ex by words and actions holds no respect for me, none at all. Where I am now, I know that this really doesn't matter to me or affect me, unless I let it, and I don't. I have my self-respect, my integrity, and my honor. I am happy with the choices I have since made. My relationship with three of four of my children has grown deeper and stronger. My oldest is beyond my control, and my heart hurts, but I know someday that the relationship will be repaired.
I've gone back to school. I've met loads of interesting people. Even some of you on here, that I deeply admire and respect. My thoughts have really changed. I've learned more in one short year than I have in a decade. What does that say? I think...I should say I believe that something of such a great magnitude happening can be defining. It can bring out the best or worst in a person. Where am I on that scale? I would feel biased in saying that it has brought out the best in me, so I would rather have an impartial judge make that call. As always I remain humble. :) Well there it is. All the hurt, the pain, the ugliness, and the beauty. Most of all the beauty! I try to keep that in the forefront of my thoughts. There is so much beauty in this world! Don't even blink or you might miss it.
Those first few weeks were some of the darkest times in my life. I spent about an hour a day away from home, where the children wouldn't see me, just sobbing. I drove to a local park, stared at the river and let the steering wheel support me as my heart shattered into a thousand little pieces.
It has really profoundly affected me in ways I never thought possible. Of course I am stronger than I ever realized. My eyes were opened to the worst of human behavior and the best. I've met angels disguised as mere mortals. Remember the anonymous poem, "Footprints in the sand", I have a much deeper understanding and appreciation now then ever before.
I've kept my head up. I've cried oceans of tears that no human should ever have to. There is something to be said for letting walls down and trusting people, but at the same time, that can be a devastating experience. When that trust is broken and those closest to you betray you, there is no pain that wounds the heart more. I realize now how naive I was.
I also realize now that the ex by words and actions holds no respect for me, none at all. Where I am now, I know that this really doesn't matter to me or affect me, unless I let it, and I don't. I have my self-respect, my integrity, and my honor. I am happy with the choices I have since made. My relationship with three of four of my children has grown deeper and stronger. My oldest is beyond my control, and my heart hurts, but I know someday that the relationship will be repaired.
I've gone back to school. I've met loads of interesting people. Even some of you on here, that I deeply admire and respect. My thoughts have really changed. I've learned more in one short year than I have in a decade. What does that say? I think...I should say I believe that something of such a great magnitude happening can be defining. It can bring out the best or worst in a person. Where am I on that scale? I would feel biased in saying that it has brought out the best in me, so I would rather have an impartial judge make that call. As always I remain humble. :) Well there it is. All the hurt, the pain, the ugliness, and the beauty. Most of all the beauty! I try to keep that in the forefront of my thoughts. There is so much beauty in this world! Don't even blink or you might miss it.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Adventures in Cheese - No really, Velveeta....
Here is my funny for the day, oh and what an evening it was. My children have been bugging me to make nachos for dinner. I promised weeks ago and so far it hadn't happened. After school, I decided nachos would work, because it sounded really yummy. I stopped at Fred Meyers to buy what we needed. That is where my adventure began. I had heard that Velveeta was nacho worthy, as in it melted well, and tasted decent. I caved to convenience. This was the first of my mistakes.
I was carrying one of those little baskets. I stuffed it with chips, velveeta, sour cream, olives, and refried beans. Yes all of the goodies for our nachos. I finally made my way up to the checkout and set down my basket. When I reached the cashier, she reached into the basket to the bottom to pull something out. Now mind you, I was standing where you sign your checks or use their debit machine. When she popped out the bottom item, one of the cans of refried beans jumped out, rolled under the ledge and dropped right onto my foot, edge down. I kid you not it landed right where your big toe joins your foot.
The lady behind me asked if my foot was okay, and I squeaked with pain. "It's only a toe." The cashier looked at me funny and asked if it really landed on my foot. "Yes it really did on my joint thingy." By that point I was almost in tears and breathing slow to deal with the pain. She apologized and I hobbled out to my van.
About an hour later, after icing the bruising, swelling foot, I decided it was time to cook. This is where the velveeta came into play. I opened the velveeta and read the directions. It said microwave 5-7 minutes, stopping to stir every three minutes. I proceeded to open the inner wrap and began cutting and tearing the velveeta into small cubes. First let me tell you that stuff felt horrible. It was a combination of slime and mush.
I cut and tore up half the brick, before putting it into the bowl to microwave. Three minutes in, I then opened the microwave and stirred the congealed bubbling stuff. I waited three minutes and repeated the process and the congeal was worse, the bubble was worse, and it stunk! Finally, fed up I pulled it out of the microwave and said to heck with it. I asked the oldest son to scrape it in the garbage while I washed the yuck off my hands. When I began the oily gunk got all over my hands.
I grabbed my coat and keys and headed for Walmart to find real cheese. I noticed as I walked in that my hands were itching, and when I looked down I happened to notice that my hands had hives.
To sum it all up, Velveeta really sucks and to top it off I am allergic to the junk. There is now a Velveeta ban forever in my home. I can laugh now but earlier, I really wasn't really very happy.
I was carrying one of those little baskets. I stuffed it with chips, velveeta, sour cream, olives, and refried beans. Yes all of the goodies for our nachos. I finally made my way up to the checkout and set down my basket. When I reached the cashier, she reached into the basket to the bottom to pull something out. Now mind you, I was standing where you sign your checks or use their debit machine. When she popped out the bottom item, one of the cans of refried beans jumped out, rolled under the ledge and dropped right onto my foot, edge down. I kid you not it landed right where your big toe joins your foot.
The lady behind me asked if my foot was okay, and I squeaked with pain. "It's only a toe." The cashier looked at me funny and asked if it really landed on my foot. "Yes it really did on my joint thingy." By that point I was almost in tears and breathing slow to deal with the pain. She apologized and I hobbled out to my van.
About an hour later, after icing the bruising, swelling foot, I decided it was time to cook. This is where the velveeta came into play. I opened the velveeta and read the directions. It said microwave 5-7 minutes, stopping to stir every three minutes. I proceeded to open the inner wrap and began cutting and tearing the velveeta into small cubes. First let me tell you that stuff felt horrible. It was a combination of slime and mush.
I cut and tore up half the brick, before putting it into the bowl to microwave. Three minutes in, I then opened the microwave and stirred the congealed bubbling stuff. I waited three minutes and repeated the process and the congeal was worse, the bubble was worse, and it stunk! Finally, fed up I pulled it out of the microwave and said to heck with it. I asked the oldest son to scrape it in the garbage while I washed the yuck off my hands. When I began the oily gunk got all over my hands.
I grabbed my coat and keys and headed for Walmart to find real cheese. I noticed as I walked in that my hands were itching, and when I looked down I happened to notice that my hands had hives.
To sum it all up, Velveeta really sucks and to top it off I am allergic to the junk. There is now a Velveeta ban forever in my home. I can laugh now but earlier, I really wasn't really very happy.
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