The Starting Over Years - Life Lesson # 7

Things I learned in a part of a whirlwind weekend. Number 1, Wise friends remain wise. No seriously sometimes awesome advice just needs to be shared.

“Take a deep breath.” Yes it seems on the surface to be very simple, but yet has profound meaning. Take a moment and center yourself.

“Don’t play with hearts.” That’s not exactly the words a good friend used, but it’s what I took away from the message.

“Listen to your self.” Okay this one can be taken in two different ways, and I chose to take both messages. One is simply what it says, listen to your self. You sound [fill in the blank]. The other has a deeper thought-provoking meaning. Listen to what your heart whispers. I believe your heart will never lead you where you don’t need to go, (that is my own belief, not part of the advice).

Anyway I am not explaining all of this, because for me it is too personal right now. Someday the story may come out, but right now I just wanted to share some solid wisdom I needed to hear from a good friend. Yes you know who you are... Keep in mind, the weekend isn't over yet!

The Starting Over Years - Looking back to look forward

Wow yes I’ve been quiet for a while. College keeps me super busy it seems. But today I’ve been kind of reflecting back. The reason is because tonight is my twenty year reunion. While I am excited, I am also saddened in a sense. Let me see if I can explain.

Wise people say hindsight is twenty-twenty. I think I understand this expression now more than ever. It’s what leads to my sadness. I’m reading “Robert’s Rules of Writing” by Robert Masello, currently. I picked this book up in a recent trip to Powell’s with someone special, but that is another post altogether.

Something he said in Rule 22 “Pick Your Poison” got me to thinking. “That taste of ashes in your mouth is regret, and it’s something even Listerine can’t get rid of.” This struck home in a weird sense. I’ve done some pretty neat things, but I have also missed hundreds of neat things. Opportunities that could have been, I let slide for a variety of reasons.

Mainly out of fear, and naivety, I let so much slide that twenty years later, I look back and laugh and cry. Yes I settled down young and had children, which I by no means regret. But there are several other things I do regret. This post is not for me to sit and whine about my choices. I was young and naive, and lesson learned. The last nine months or so have taught me that it’s time to look forward and apply the lesson I learned. Don’t let fear hold you back, laugh often, and live in the moment.

While this may sound trite and over said, it’s something I feel I need to share, for myself and for anyone out there that might learn from what I’ve learned. Wish me luck tonight, because I’m going to have fun.

The Starting Over Years - Dating, a whole new world

I know...I know I've been quiet for a long time. I apologize for my absence. While there are many excuses, I will just say: "Life comes at you fast". There, I like that. So now that the divorce is finally final, I have entered a whole new phase of the starting over years. Yes I've been dipping my toes into the world of dating. My experiences are definitely a mix of the bad, the good, and the ugly.

It's a whole new world out there folks. You may or may not be aware of that, but I sure wasn't. I wanted to share a specific experience for the humor factor. I was out on a date yesterday with a nice gentleman, when lo and behold, my mother and my aunt showed up where we were having a nice meal.

First I have to give you the tiniest bit of back story so you can fully appreciate my situation. My mother and my aunt are both eccentric to a point. For goodness sakes they both own akc standard poodles that are sisters. They both like bling, and both consider themselves cougars. Usually when they go out to eat locally they pick Red Lobster. Enough said? I thought so...Back to my story.

So here my date and I are having a cozy light-hearted meal in the lounge of Applebees. I happen to glance over at the restaurant entrance and I see a woman wearing a red coat. I first thought, "wow that looks like my aunt." It took another ten seconds or so for the light to come on. "That is my aunt!" Horror of all horrors, my mom and my aunt decided to shake things up a bit and eat at Applebees.

When my aunt happened to glance our way, I waved. Yes I know what you are thinking, big mistake right? It was. She waved back with an evil smile and turned around. I could hear her from where we sat.

"Hey come see who is here?" She was alerting my mother to our presence. My mom then peeks around the corner and proceeds to point at me and gesture with her fingers. You've all seen the commercial where the guy signals, "I've got my eyes on you." Yes that is what my mom did.

I turned probably three shades of red as I laughed. This is the way my life works. Luckily my date was very understanding. When we were finished eating, I wanted to sneak off, but instead we went and said the customary hello/goodbye bit. I introduced my date to my mom and aunt and then they let us leave.

Here is the funny part. My aunt later told me that while I was talking to my mom, my aunt was threatening my date with her Russian mob friends near Seattle. Thank god she was only teasing me. She didn't really scare him away like that. Probably just meeting them scared him away anyway.

I really believe I must live under a funny sign or something. Crazy, embarrassing things like this only happen to me. If I were to write my autobiography I would title it: "Did you ever hear the one about...a comedy of errors"

This is my life and I just do the best I can day to day. I will try to update a bit more and keep sharing the laughter as I experience the starting over years.

The Starting-over Years - Finding My Spiritual Self

This week I want to talk about that reawakening of self. Well to be specific, spiritual self. You see my dad’s mother was a southern Baptist Christian. By the age of five, I could recite the Lord’s Prayer. She had a little fold up book and we would read it every night. Even though I couldn’t read, the pictures were fascinating to my little mind. I was raised in church, attended Vacation Bible School every summer, and I went to church camp for three years. Suffice it to say, those roots really bloomed. I have a good relationship with my lord and savior. Although in the last few years this had taken a back burner to life.

But that is not this post. In this post, I would like to explore the other part of my spirituality, the pagan side. My mom was born in Germany on a United States military base. Her mother was a French war bride. Grandmere met my grandfather when he patrolled the streets of Paris during the war. As far as we can tell her family traces back to the Celts. My mother has the honor of being named after a Gaelic saint.

I am now in touch with this part of my spirituality which is not at cross purposes with the other. This love of mother earth is profound in ways I can’t even explain. Recently while I was at the beach, I found a Celtic Dragonfly Pendant. I knew in that moment that our destinies were intertwined. I of course bought it, a present for myself, if you will. My old pendant went into the hands of the shop proprietor, because she was capable of sending it on to the next part of its voyage.

I know this sounds a little strange, but it was like a trade, not just a purchase. Here’s the interesting part. The woman was a Scot and seemed to understand what needed to happen without me explaining overmuch. She took it willingly, and promised to find it a new home.

Here is what I want to focus on in this post. Intuitively I just knew all this. I am learning to trust in this intuitive voice from within. It has ways of knowing things that I am not always aware of consciously. Here is another little example that will surprise you. I will not go into full detail of every moment, but M__ and I stopped in Astoria, and wandered into a little shop.

The woman started talking to us and would you believe she nailed some things down, that she had no way of knowing. While I was in creative writing, I unconsciously shared some of my innermost workings through poetry, without realizing it. When I left the shop I was in tears, because this woman had revealed things that hadn’t even occurred to me. How did she do this? I cannot say at all, but I will tell you this, she just knew things.

M__ was as blown away as I was. We left the shop, our eyes wide with wonder. Here, yet is the strangest thing of all. When we came back through Astoria on our way home, we could not find the shop. Yes, I know how odd this sounds, like an overdone story plot, but it is true nonetheless. I know the store exists because we bought things there. I cannot wait to return to Astoria to look for the place.

So I am curious – Are you in touch with your spiritual self? What beliefs do you hold? Feel free to share whatever you feel comfortable with sharing. I look forward to learning about others.

The Starting-over Years

After over-hearing a random comment today, I began to think about my own situation. People seem to have names for parts of their lives. The comment I heard was someone referring to her bonus years with her husband. Within my own mind, I decided to try and define this part of my life. In a weird sense I think it gives me a bit of control. I’ve aptly named this period in my life the “Starting-over Years”. It’s a time filled with a lot of complexities. For me it’s beginning with a reawakening of self. For so long I was part of a whole, and now that’s no longer applicable.

I thought about calling this entry “The Road to Recovery”, but the more I thought about it, the more it sounded like rehab. This is something entirely different. So with this post, I am going to begin to share weekly about this part of my life. Hopefully if I can make you laugh, or make you think, then this “Starting-over years”, will have some good come from it. Stay tuned…next week I’ll have some fresh material for your thoughtful enjoyment.

A Jumble of Thoughts - Today in Peace

My thoughts are all in a jumble today. Someone recently said to me, "You need to update your blog." Good point, but I don't know what to share. There are many nuggets of ideas, bits of this and that would not make for a thought-provoking update. I could tell you about last weekend at the beach. I could review the new Garnier Face stuff I bought, but would that really hold your attention? Not really. Therefore, I just have one short thing to share. Be of peace today.

I feel today as though I am through the veil, somewhere neither here nor there. I feel peaceful and still like deep waters...

One year later - day of devastation to present

It's been exactly one year tonight since my personal life fell apart. Today it has hit hard, realizing that a year has slipped by. There has been beautiful moments filled with caring wonderful people, and moments when I really had to fight to go on. There are moments I feel so alone, trapped in a living nightmare.(these are fewer, but still happen, I still have moments--like today--when it hurts like hell).

Those first few weeks were some of the darkest times in my life. I spent about an hour a day away from home, where the children wouldn't see me, just sobbing. I drove to a local park, stared at the river and let the steering wheel support me as my heart shattered into a thousand little pieces.

It has really profoundly affected me in ways I never thought possible. Of course I am stronger than I ever realized. My eyes were opened to the worst of human behavior and the best. I've met angels disguised as mere mortals. Remember the anonymous poem, "Footprints in the sand", I have a much deeper understanding and appreciation now then ever before.

I've kept my head up. I've cried oceans of tears that no human should ever have to. There is something to be said for letting walls down and trusting people, but at the same time, that can be a devastating experience. When that trust is broken and those closest to you betray you, there is no pain that wounds the heart more. I realize now how naive I was.

I also realize now that the ex by words and actions holds no respect for me, none at all. Where I am now, I know that this really doesn't matter to me or affect me, unless I let it, and I don't. I have my self-respect, my integrity, and my honor. I am happy with the choices I have since made. My relationship with three of four of my children has grown deeper and stronger. My oldest is beyond my control, and my heart hurts, but I know someday that the relationship will be repaired.

I've gone back to school. I've met loads of interesting people. Even some of you on here, that I deeply admire and respect. My thoughts have really changed. I've learned more in one short year than I have in a decade. What does that say? I think...I should say I believe that something of such a great magnitude happening can be defining. It can bring out the best or worst in a person. Where am I on that scale? I would feel biased in saying that it has brought out the best in me, so I would rather have an impartial judge make that call. As always I remain humble. :) Well there it is. All the hurt, the pain, the ugliness, and the beauty. Most of all the beauty! I try to keep that in the forefront of my thoughts. There is so much beauty in this world! Don't even blink or you might miss it.