This is my 100th blog post. Pretty impressive you
say? Well yeah kind of…I guess. I wrote on Live Journal before I started this
blog. I’ve officially been blogging and writing for over a decade.
What does that really mean? It means I am still caught off
guard by which posts get lots of views and comments. While others get little and
go practically unnoticed, it’s a constant surprise to me.
I’m fighting some crazy battles right now. I am struggling with finding employment. I am
struggling with feelings of utter failure. I am struggling with feelings of
being less than enough.
I have so much to say but the words trip on my teeth, and
stick to my tongue. My mouth is overflowing, with no way of knowing how to say
what I need to.
So I want to take this very special blog post and talk about
it. I had to get a food box today. While it wasn’t bad, it really was. I hadn’t
been there since 2000. Yes they keep records. That means my youngest was a baby
the last time we were there. She’s now heading into her sophomore year in high school.
If this were just my struggle, it might not be so important,
but I have three teenagers counting on me to keep a roof over their head, the
electricity on, and food in their hollow bellies. Lol, I am sure many of you
know how much teens eat.
They also count on me as a leader, to hold this family together.
Since everything fell apart in 2009, I have fought day and night, tooth and
nail, to prove that we stay together as a family; that families don’t give up
on each other, they don’t walk away. I truly believe teenagers need this lesson
most as they grow up and head out into the world, and form families of their
own.
Today I applied for more jobs, including Big Lots. I hope to
hear from at least one, but so far that isn’t happening. People close to me are
helpful and they tell me when places are hiring, they also keep me grounded in
knowing it’s not just me. But it sure feels like it in this moment as it all
falls apart.
Thanks to the food box, I have a nice roast in the oven, and
we will eat. But even as I went through their system of collection, and they
said take what you need, I held back. Truly because I know there are people out
there that need help as much if not more than I do.
I’m sharing this because my life lesson right now includes
vulnerability mixed with letting go of control. I am trying to own it. I can’t
control everything. It also scares me very much to write, and share this. This
pushes my boundaries, in case you are wondering. I am wiping away tears as I
write it. But it is my truth, and it heralds my other two lessons. Live your
truth. I am trying, and will continue to fight valiantly.
Lastly the most important lesson lately is this. Learn to be
a luminary of love and light. I am trying hard with this lesson as well. I am a
hand to hold in the dark, a light along the path, because I truly know the
dark. I’ve battled it and continue to do so daily. My tools are compassion,
kindness, and genuine affection for people. So here’s to 100 posts and
hopefully one hundred more…
2 comments:
You're so, so brave and strong. I hope that you find every happiness you possibly can. I think it was really courageous of you to make this post and to support your family in the way that you do.
I want to thank you for being brave enough to write this post and for the wonderful inspiration you have given everyone.
Thank you... :)
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