This is my 100th blog post. Pretty impressive you say? Well yeah kind of…I guess. I wrote on Live Journal before I started this blog. I’ve officially been blogging and writing for over a decade.
What does that really mean? It means I am still caught off guard by which posts get lots of views and comments. While others get little and go practically unnoticed, it’s a constant surprise to me.
I’m fighting some crazy battles right now. I am struggling with finding employment. I am struggling with feelings of utter failure. I am struggling with feelings of being less than enough.
I have so much to say but the words trip on my teeth, and stick to my tongue. My mouth is overflowing, with no way of knowing how to say what I need to.
So I want to take this very special blog post and talk about it. I had to get a food box today. While it wasn’t bad, it really was. I hadn’t been there since 2000. Yes they keep records. That means my youngest was a baby the last time we were there. She’s now heading into her sophomore year in high school.
If this were just my struggle, it might not be so important, but I have three teenagers counting on me to keep a roof over their head, the electricity on, and food in their hollow bellies. Lol, I am sure many of you know how much teens eat.
They also count on me as a leader, to hold this family together. Since everything fell apart in 2009, I have fought day and night, tooth and nail, to prove that we stay together as a family; that families don’t give up on each other, they don’t walk away. I truly believe teenagers need this lesson most as they grow up and head out into the world, and form families of their own.
Today I applied for more jobs, including Big Lots. I hope to hear from at least one, but so far that isn’t happening. People close to me are helpful and they tell me when places are hiring, they also keep me grounded in knowing it’s not just me. But it sure feels like it in this moment as it all falls apart.
Thanks to the food box, I have a nice roast in the oven, and we will eat. But even as I went through their system of collection, and they said take what you need, I held back. Truly because I know there are people out there that need help as much if not more than I do.
I’m sharing this because my life lesson right now includes vulnerability mixed with letting go of control. I am trying to own it. I can’t control everything. It also scares me very much to write, and share this. This pushes my boundaries, in case you are wondering. I am wiping away tears as I write it. But it is my truth, and it heralds my other two lessons. Live your truth. I am trying, and will continue to fight valiantly.
Lastly the most important lesson lately is this. Learn to be a luminary of love and light. I am trying hard with this lesson as well. I am a hand to hold in the dark, a light along the path, because I truly know the dark. I’ve battled it and continue to do so daily. My tools are compassion, kindness, and genuine affection for people. So here’s to 100 posts and hopefully one hundred more…