The Write Life

It's been exactly one year tonight since my personal life fell apart. Today it has hit hard, realizing that a year has slipped by. There has been beautiful moments filled with caring wonderful people, and moments when I really had to fight to go on. There are moments I feel so alone, trapped in a living nightmare.(these are fewer, but still happen, I still have moments--like today--when it hurts like hell).

Those first few weeks were some of the darkest times in my life. I spent about an hour a day away from home, where the children wouldn't see me, just sobbing. I drove to a local park, stared at the river and let the steering wheel support me as my heart shattered into a thousand little pieces.

It has really profoundly affected me in ways I never thought possible. Of course I am stronger than I ever realized. My eyes were opened to the worst of human behavior and the best. I've met angels disguised as mere mortals. Remember the anonymous poem, "Footprints in the sand", I have a much deeper understanding and appreciation now then ever before.

I've kept my head up. I've cried oceans of tears that no human should ever have to. There is something to be said for letting walls down and trusting people, but at the same time, that can be a devastating experience. When that trust is broken and those closest to you betray you, there is no pain that wounds the heart more. I realize now how naive I was.

I also realize now that the ex by words and actions holds no respect for me, none at all. Where I am now, I know that this really doesn't matter to me or affect me, unless I let it, and I don't. I have my self-respect, my integrity, and my honor. I am happy with the choices I have since made. My relationship with three of four of my children has grown deeper and stronger. My oldest is beyond my control, and my heart hurts, but I know someday that the relationship will be repaired.

I've gone back to school. I've met loads of interesting people. Even some of you on here, that I deeply admire and respect. My thoughts have really changed. I've learned more in one short year than I have in a decade. What does that say? I think...I should say I believe that something of such a great magnitude happening can be defining. It can bring out the best or worst in a person. Where am I on that scale? I would feel biased in saying that it has brought out the best in me, so I would rather have an impartial judge make that call. As always I remain humble. :) Well there it is. All the hurt, the pain, the ugliness, and the beauty. Most of all the beauty! I try to keep that in the forefront of my thoughts. There is so much beauty in this world! Don't even blink or you might miss it.